Monday, June 30

scowling gives you wrinkles.

Dear life,

Thanks for pulling a fast one on me again and fucking me over. No really, I mean it. I appreciate that you are keeping me on my toes. You fucker.


No idea where I will be living in September. Excuse me while I blow my fucking brains out as the only stable thing I had in my life has now disintegrated without me knowing.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Sunday, June 29

I'm weird.

Things brought to my attention in recent days by other people:

-I know too much about sports
-I know WAY too much about comic books
-I am in fact a crazy cat lady
-I get crazy over-analyzing stupid minor facts and don't pay attention to big pictures
-I'm a creep
-I get tattooed a lot, perhaps too often

Saturday, June 28

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.

(don't ask, it's just what I'm listening to. Not all subject lines can be witty.)

I realized I didn't post any of photos from my weekend. The answer is simple - I use my phone, and I only take photos when they are really funny or relevant. So here you go:

1. My new work on my arm/elbow. Thanks LL Cool G.

2. Me being sad to leave my big comfy bed. I mean, I was REALLY sad. I delayed check-out by an hour just to lay there a little more and eat my toast in peace. I will miss you, large squishy bed with white sheets that I got ink marks all over. We will meet again someday, perhaps...

3. Has anyone seen these??? I saw them at a 7-11 in Massapequa and just HAD to buy them. I will soon trick one of my roommates to eat them. Crabby patties...crabby chips....what's next, crabby soda? Blecch.

4. This is what the Melville Dunkin Donuts considers an iced coffee extra light, extra sweet. You fail, Melville DD. I should report you to the Better Business Bureau, as you are disgracing the name of Dunkin Donuts everywhere. What a shame. At least I didn't have to pay for it, but I didn't want them to even attempt a second time.

5. My milk and sugar on the rocks, next to a REAL iced coffee extra light extra sweet. After that first abomination, I decided to wait until I crossed the CT border to take another chance. Thank you, Paul Newman! I hope you donate the profits from my coffee purchase to charity. Nothing but love for that guy.

I failed to photograph my cornucopia of room service food.
-a cobb salad (lettuce, hard boiled egg, tomato, chicken, bacon, avocado, crumbled bleu cheese) served to me completely disassembled. A little frustrating but good at the same time so I could pull the tomatoes off with one swift move. This came with fries. Odd.
-Open-face sammich. Turkey, swiss, bacon, avocado and lettuce. It had some sort of dressing on it too, but it was easily scraped off. Oh and it was supposed to come with sprouts but I said "no way." This also came with fries. These fries smelled and tasted like chinese food. I had to put those in the hallway right away so I wouldn't throw up.
-eggs benedict. My ultimate breakfast. A poached egg with canadian bacon on half an english muffin, topped with hollandaise sauce. Yummers. I also had a side of toast that I didn't think I would want until I was lying in bed (just like Brian Wilson did). I really wanted coffee at that point but I didn't trust the machine in the room OR the hotel room service coffee. Stupid Dunkin had me in a trance. Little did I know...

On top of all that delicious overpriced food, I also bought 2 large pies (one plain cheese, one white pizza), ate 2 slices and took the rest home to enjoy and not share.

I really like food.

Now it's Saturday night and feels like a Monday afternoon. I think I'll stay in bed and watch some movies while the house has its usual Saturday night excitement. I'm still really tired. Stupid driving machine.

home again, home again. jiggity jog.

After a 5 hour drive, I am back in the big city. I walked into the apartment to be greeted by a horrible stink. Aaaahhh trash. It's great to be home. Mmm. I fed the kids and lit some candles to get the stinky out of MY room (that's what I get for leaving the door open I suppose?) and checked my Gmail. Anyone who knows me knows that I screen all calls and emails and I assume that anything and anyone offering me a job is a scam. I HAVE had offers from "staffing agencies" to add my resume to their database and be given full access to their plethora of available positions, only to find out that I will have to PAY to do this. No dice.

So I had 3 emails I barely looked at with job positions in their subject line, and I decided to archive them after a second check. The first two were indeed junk, simply saying "thank you for submitting your resume, this is the last you will ever hear from us." But the was an actual person! No robots! And they want to meet with me to discuss a job!! So I investigated the company and it's actually a really upscale store on Newbury Street, doing their books and billing. I wish I had looked at this one a little more carefully, they emailed me on Tuesday and I just replied today. Nuts. But either way they LIKED ME!

Maybe Boston will work out after all. Maybe. If I get this job, then I will be meeting my deadline of July 31 and I will be able to save and get my own non-stinky apartment.

Sigh. We can only hope, right?

HOWEVER - I refuse to tell anyone what the store is because I think I jinxed my last interview.

Now I will go take a nap and dream of a new job and wake up to eat delicious NY pizza that I smuggled home.

This post is costing me $9.95

It's been a productive past few days, in a sense.

Currently I am resting in a hotel room on Long Island after a long day of sleeping late, waking up for room service, napping and then getting tattooed for 3 hours. Yesterday I drove down here after quite a few hours of delays and frustrations. Arrival at 12:30am was less than desirable, but I got to have an awesome hangout and enjoy some really good company. I think I've needed a nice neutral non-Boston environment.

I really don't want to go back home. I am growing to really truly 100% hate it there. I just found out on Wednesday that the lease has NOT been renewed. aka I am FUCKED come Sept. 1.

Also, my sternum hurts today. What the hell can a person do to make their sternum ache?

Thursday, June 26

birth is pain.

I have never been more miserable than right now.

Soap in my peehole.

Fuckity fuck ow.

I need to be in a car driving right now, not sitting here pounding liquids so I can flush this out.


Sleep is for the weak.

Can't sleep again.

Big day.
Big weekend.
Big gulp?

If all goes as planned, within 12 hours I will be 3 states away and not thinking about stupid bullshit, just enjoying naps and movies and food and more naps.

Things to do (mainly as a reminder to myself):

-wake up by 10am
-eat breffix
-get an oil change
-check weather to decide on hair/clothes/etc
-pack for 2 days (don't forget a swimsuit!)
-feed the cats and remind Josh to feed them again Saturday AM
-see if my partner in crime is going to be able to come along
-be on the road by 1pm

Tuesday, June 24

Cartoons, not just for breakfast.

If I were to have "relations" with a cartoon character, I would narrow it down to these guys. Guidelines -

1: lanky nerds with crowns:

2. men in full costume with a smarmy personality:

3. regular guys that just plain make me laugh.

Sunday, June 22

stuff going on right now.

I am still (f)unemployed. I apply to at least 10 jobs a day, I force myself sometimes, but it happens. I have had ONE interview since April - at Lush on Newbury Street, and they didn't call me back or return my phone call, so I am guessing I tanked that one. A few places have straight out told me via email that I am far too over-qualified for these jobs, but they don't realize that at this point I just need money so I can pay bills and buy gas and do exciting things such as buying new glasses.

I am really in a spot right now. I am applying to jobs in the Boston area, hoping that if I get hired I will no longer need to commute with a car. Gas prices are only going to get higher and there is no way I can talk myself into driving vs taking the bus.

I keep selling items in my storage space, realizing I hate the memories that connect with them and I really could use the cash.

BUT. If I don't see myself getting a job by late July, I am thinking it might be time to pack it in and call it a day for Boston. The things I moved here for aren't part of the equation anymore. School is unaffordable (and I have to pay them the $6,000 I owe before I can start classes again). Work is non-existent with no signs of improvement in the near future. Love life...I haven't had one of those in at least a solid year, and everyone in this city seems to know somebody else who happens to be friends with so-and-so and so on and so forth.

Therefore, I am setting a deadline for myself. If I do not have a job by July 31st, I am going to take the high road and find somewhere new to call home. It might be somewhere in New England, New York, Maryland...all I know is I can't go much longer living with 4 guys and not having any money. One very serious option is to sell my car and rent a room with my friend Casey. Another is to find a room down near Lissa.

I just don't feel a pull in any direction forcing me to stay or leave. I will have friends in places that I don't live regardless; I already have that situation and have accepted that I can't pack them and take them with me if I leave.

And beyond this whole ordeal, I need to figure out what to do with myself financially. As it stands, I am parking my car in secret undisclosed locations to dodge the repo man. I have so many collection calls a day that I don't bother to answer my phone unless I know who it is, and even then it's still 50/50. Rent is due in a week and I haven't even tried to cross that bridge yet.

I am almost tempted to find a job, work there until September and save enough money to move and then leave. I just want to get out of this rut and I am finding very few options outside of leaving the Boston area.

Input is always appreciated, even when I get defensive. I have too much pride to admit that I failed sometimes, and this is the biggest lump of failure I've had to swallow in a long time.

Oh and PS - I'm also allergic to bee stings. Think Robert Goulet.

Sweat seeps in your eyes at night and you realize that no one understands you.

Talk of peanut butter lately made me want to make a list of my allergies. Here goes...

-Ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, Nuprin)
-Amoxocillin (Augmentin mainly)
-tree nuts (macadamia nuts, brazil nuts, cashews, almonds, walnuts, pecans, pistachios, chestnuts, beechnuts, hazelnuts, pine nuts, gingko nuts and hickory nuts)
-peanuts and peanut butter
-grapefruits (no Fresca for me!)

I used to be allergic to freshly cut grass, but it doesn't seem to bother me as much now.

Can't sleep...clown will eat me.

It's 7:15am and I haven't been to bed yet. At 5am or so, I found a PERFECT job at Whole Foods doing payroll, so I killed some time and applied there.

Here's to hoping I am back in the stable world of living soon and can move out to my own place soon-ish. I'm hoping for a Sept.1 move-in date.

Boston mass is the...rippenest town? Not so much...


Main Entry:

1: characterized by pretension: as a: making usually unjustified or excessive claims (as of value or standing) b: expressive of affected, unwarranted, or exaggerated importance, worth, or stature 2: making demands on one's skill, ability, or means : ambitious

Dear Boston,

I'm over you. I am tired of your dance nights and coke parties full of
two-faced fence walking people posing for photos together just to be seen (or scene). Clearly I have outgrown you and have no need for anything that you offer. I'd like to say it's been real, but it hasn't. This city is the LA of the east coast, with the phoniest people I've come across in my life.


Friday, June 20

I love my friends more than ever when I'm down and fucking out.

(spelling and grammar have been corrected to make us look wise beyond our years.)

me: I'm cranky as shit and just wrote a pretend letter to my old boss
Casey: I do that all the time
me: I want to send it!
Casey: I write emails on MS word then don't send them cuz I'm a pussy
me: "Dear Tracy, thanks for firing me and refusing my unemployment, therefore guaranteeing that you were ruining my life. I'm not sure if you've heard, but this is the worst job market since 1981. I have resorted to selling my own furniture to pay rent. Thanks for the opportunity for me to see what it feels like to really have nothing. It makes me grateful to not be as greedy as you. but back to the point at hand. Thank you for not giving me a chance to defend myself in a situation where i was a deer in headlights. and thanks for generally ruining my life. I hear karma's a bitch, you might want to make sure you stay on the sidewalks for a while."
Casey: that is the sweetest email ever, but I would advise against sending it, because, karma has a way of rewarding the good people and that might score some bad points
me: i have also contemplated robbing her
me: or banging her boyfriend
Casey: fuck the asswipes that don't give a shit about others, and you need to concentrate on you Casey: I mean the world I'm drunk
me: haha I've got $7
me: and negative $280 in the bank
Casey: hey I'm really excited that you are coming to visit btw I think we got lots to discuss, I too am a slacker retard that is way better then corporate world chooses to see
me: we should start a company
me: but I need to sell my bed in order to visit
Casey: actually that is what I'm planning to do
me: doing what?
Casey: start my own company
Casey: production
me: hmmm i will come move in and bring floof and jammy
Casey: I would welcome you with open arms you got 400 bucks a month if so you are in like flynn
me: hahaha i have $7.
me: im also running from the repo man
Casey: close enough, we can make this work
me: not really a "desirable" tenant

Thursday, June 19

What a busy day of nothing...

Just made myself some dinner (Radiatori pasta, some random sauce I had left over, and grated pecorino) and now while I wait for Tiff to be ready, I will make a list of ideal (but not essential) qualities in the next person I date.

-taller than me. No budging on this one. I'm all set with my height but I like feeling tiny when I'm around someone and knowing I can fall asleep with my knees in the back of their upper thighs. It's hard to explain, but it's very comfortable. Also feeling the presence of someone on your spine is very reassuring.

-Horror movies. Don't get me wrong, no guy is going to openly hate Friday the 13th, but I need someone who will put up with me watching parts 1 thru 8 on a monthly basis. And being terrified and hiding my face, asking when it's safe to look. I even like to be tricked and uncovering my eyes only to see half of someone's brain oozing out. Sometimes.

-Food. If you don't like food, what are you doing even associating with me? Waste of space. But beyond that, I need someone who will keep an eye out for my moronic allergies and warn me if I may die from what I just ordered off a menu. And I like to sneak things I'm allergic to as well. Don't ask me why, I just do.

-Drugs are bad, mmmmkay? I live with them and I can tolerate them, but I'll be damned if I start any sort of emotional connection to someone who would rather smoke a bowl than read a book.

-Cleanliness is next to godliness. I've been spoiled and all the men in my life have bathed daily, sometimes more than once a day. Not a bad habit, folks...

-Most importantly, I want someone who makes me want to be a better person. I don't need a "fixer-upper" guy who I see a bunch of flaws in but tell myself "it's ok, he's really nice...let's forget the seedy underhanded things that he does to pay his rent" etc. I want someone who has his shit together and will kick my ass into gear.

So - need and want are two different things. If the right moment came along, I could probably create a new list completely different from this one. But right now, this is what I feel that I need. Not want, but need.

Except the allergy thing. Try to keep me alive if you want to date me, please? thx.


-my spinach seeds are starting to sprout; my garden wasn't totally washed out by the huge storms after all!

-I just found a box of 100 cal smart food bags. So good.

-Pet Shop Boys make everything better. I have the biggest fag hag crush on the singer.

-I can see the sun setting and it's a lovely shade of purple tonight.

Things can only get better...Howard Jones told me so.

fuckity fuck fuck fucker fuck.

Bad day. Bad bad bad bad day.

Frannie's family tailor shop burned down. To the fucking ground. There is NOTHING left. I cried when I read the article and saw Fran's zio standing there looking defeated. What the fuck kind of bullshit is THAT, God?!? Hasn't that family been through enough? Not posi.

I still haven't heard back from the dillhole who offered to buy my bed. It's awesome that he wants to drive down from VT to buy it. Not so awesome that he HASN'T REPLIED in two days and I turned other people away.

I need money. Badly. I am close to tears about this. Hate this. Grr.

Wednesday, June 18

A few minutes inside my brain...

me: oh i also sent an awesome petty text to xxxxx
me: "hey, you owe me $$"
me: :D
Jen: hahaha
Jen: think you'll ever see it?
me: i told heather to put a little fear of god into him
Jen: hahaha
me: not to say id actually do anything, but its good for him to know that i can very easily do something
Jen: hahaha
me: jen, i AM a bully!!! im classic ADHD girl
Jen: it's ok laura
Jen: you're just a little......excited
Jen: and you want to share it

a koala's lament.

Dear Laura,

Stop writing blogs on the first day of your period.

For reference, please see June 15th and May 14th.

You'll thank me for it later.


Your sad little heart.

Sunday, June 15

It's one of THOSE posts again. Don't read it if you don't want to be bummed.

-I spend, on average, 22 hours a day in bed. The other 2 hours are spent using the bathroom, smoking, or preparing food. For some reason I see no need to change this.

-I haven't been on a "date" since December 2006 (I think.) By date I mean meeting up with someone, going somewhere specifically to get to know them, eating some food or doing some sort of activity, not having other people there for "hang-out" buffers, and sharing a car.

-I haven't kissed anyone since December 2, 2007. That one is official, and makes me officially pathetic.

-This past Saturday would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

-Last night I watched "Ordinary People" and laid in bed sobbing until 6am. I know that movie gets to me so much, I purposely packed the book away to storage. Anyone hungry for a big heaping serving of masochism?

-Had a job interview at Lush last Monday. They haven't called me back. Phooey. I've been sending my resume to more than a dozen leads a day, and this was the first interview I've had. Um...keep the faith?


Tuesday, June 10

Burnt by the sun.

We (Jen, Tiffany and myself) went to the beach today. I am tired and will try to add commentary to these photos as much as possible:

Me, self-portrait. You never realize it, but you can't see anything when you take your own photo on a sunny day.

Jen took this one, I think she was trying to be sly and I caught her.

Also taken by Jen.

happy Laura likes the sun!

The water was a nasty shade of chartreuse, these photos don't do it justice at all.

My classic "feet at the beach" shot. I've taken one every year since 2005. Go me.

This little McNugget came along for the fun.

Dressed in its best beach gear.

Oh, did I fail to mention the THOUSANDS of jellyfish that ruined any chance of me going in the water?

Monday, June 9

Sunday, June 8

hunks, dreamboats, hubba hubba...

I decided just now, right this very minute, to make a collected list of my celebrity crushes. In no particular order:

-Steve Martin
-Dan Akroyd
-Chevy Chase
-James Caan
-Tom Hanks (sometimes...)
-Tim Roth
-Owen Wilson (except in Royal Tennenbaums, Luke wins by default)
-Christian Bale
-Glenn Quinn (RIP)
-Anderson Cooper
-Jake Gyllenhaal

Friday, June 6

Recent excitement (or lack thereof) in my pictures.

1. Jammy has trouble cleaning his own tail, he can't really reach it. I helped him out today. He was very appreciative. Lissa later sent me a video of her cat, Toby, who does the same thing. Boys will be boys....

2. A sign down the block from me that I saw while driving home this afternoon. In case you can't read it, it says:

9AM - 3PM

Made me laugh. I'm 12, I know.

3. My dad and Jacob (my sister's boyfriend) wandering the streets of NYC today. I'm sure there is a reason why they took a shot at this spot, I'll find out some day. Maybe.

4. Momma showing a dress that we found at Macy's. I didn't try it on, I thought Jen would be interested. I then tried on a bunch of nana clothes and had a mini temper tantrum. I HATE Macy's. I am waaaay too young for that garbage. Mommy also told me that I need to start buying wrinkle cream and control top underpants. Ooof. At least I managed to get my hair cut and coloured.

5. Mono is my co-pilot.

Wednesday, June 4

Does that make Floof my Blondie?

When I was visiting my dad, he told me that my sandwich making style is Dagwood-worthy. Today I made a little one and decided to take photos for documentation.

First, I sliced a poppy seed kaiser roll in half, and put a heaping serving of Grey Poupon on either side.
Then, I placed 3 slices of maple cured turkey on the bottom half.
I followed this with 3 slices of provalone.
Then 2 slices turkey, 2 slices provalone.
Followed up with 1 slice turkey, 1 slice provalone.
Finally, I topped it all off with 2 huge pieces of romaine lettuce, ripped into smaller pieces.


Now...I have been known to make ridiculous sandwiches in my day (stay clear from me if I'm at a deli or sub shop), but this one is pretty plain. Other in my past have included:
-peanut butter, jelly, banana, honey and bacon
-BLT with turkey, mayo, mustard, pickle slices, and olives (spanish, of course)
-roast turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and gravy all on very thick french rolls (stupid restaurant and sub chains stole my idea, I swear)

One day I will make a sandwich too big for my mouth. I get pretty close to it these days...