Wednesday, October 29

Oh baby, Lilly Munster ain't got nothing on you.

Today I realized that I don't know what happened to the liner of my favorite jacket. After a lot of internet-digging, I found a suitable replacement. Hopefully Santa Claus will be able to supply me with this much-needed fleecy warmth. I also need to find out how to get some Tocco Magico in my hair soon. I don't know if i can wait until Christmas. Meh.

I love when I re-discover my Halloween mixes and can nap while listening to Dokken and Nick Cave. 67 songs of spooky goodness. I sort of should be knitting today (I gave myself a deadline on 2 projects), but I love being in bed while the pets are sleeping and snoring with me. I also need to move stuff so that the treadmill can be set up for use, now that it's way too cold to walk for more than a mile at a time. Again, that will involve getting up and out of bed.

I suppose I will be a little productive today, I have to re-do my dad's resume.

Tuesday, October 28

Joy Division. Ice Age.

I've seen the real atrocities,
Buried in the sand,
Stockpiled safety for a few,
While we stand holding hands.

I'm living in the Ice age,
I'm living in the Ice age,
Nothing will hold,
Nothing will fit,
Into the cold,
a smile on your lips.
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.

Searching for another way,
Hide behind the door,
We'll live in holes and disused shafts,
Hopes for little more.

I'm living in the Ice age,
I'm living in the Ice age,
Nothing will hold,
Nothing will fit,
Into the cold,
No smile on your lips,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.
Living in the Ice age.

I'm in the ground for good...simply because you've killed me.

I really should have read the ingredients on the Midol I took tonight and noticed that there is a substantial amount of caffeine added.

Random anxious mood. I don't think I like my job anymore, it gets WAY too boring and after crunching some numbers I realized I won't be making a fraction of what I need to deal with my debt situation.

I sort of feel like going outside and yelling "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?" right now. But then I realize that I'm not too interested in where many people are anymore. Mainly because they seem just as uninterested in where I am, and it suits me just fine. I could pack up my things and move to a new state and escape under people's radar. Not to say that will be happening any time soon - I will be staying here and (hopefully) collecting my unemployment at least until April or May 2009. CRUD. That is why I need to stay at Kohl's - if I only work part time, I can keep earning unemployment from MA.


How do you explain to someone that you're sorry for things you've done when they hold onto negative details that you can't remember? I have this problem with every relationship - the bad times and fuck ups are always blocked out. If anyone asked me now, I couldn't name 5 fights with Chris no matter how hard I tried. But he managed to remember them for years afterward. At the same time, it reminds me of a line I read that said "When you can only talk about the past and not build new memories, it's time to move on." It's a sad reality that I have with a LOT of people still lurking around in my life. I don't want to talk about the past, I want to look towards the amazing times that have yet to come and all the adventures waiting for me out there.

Also, I am still infatuated. After a soft nudge from Aubri, I am accepting the thought of letting it happen as it will and not pushing or reading into things. also, a bit of funny back & forth today:

aubri: he does good things to you.
me: he does! wait...he does?
aubri: he makes you less...sad? no. ....mad? I dunno. You seem like you're on a more even keel.

An even keel seems to be just the right place for me - a comfortable little nook to relax in.

Monday, October 27

Chapter 28 was such a bust.

Lots of good busy times lately. Working somewhat - barely making enough to call it "work" but I can pay some credit cards off.

I almost went bowling the other night, but the power was out and it was not meant to be. Instead, we rented Mad Max, ate pizza and pondered the meaning of life and speech impediments.

For the first time in two months I think I am actually glad that I left Boston. Things somehow managed to work themselves into a nice little package. I've been losing weight, feeling positive about conquering all my bills, remembering what it's like to actually be comfortable with my situation and not being dragged into it kicking and screaming.

And I am suffering from a bout of infatuation. Ooh la la.

Monday, October 20

I want my hands in your hair pulling your face closer.

I put too much fabric softener in a load yesterday, now everything smells really strong but nice and comforting at the same time. I can't decide if I am pleased with this happy accident.

Today I went for a canoe ride with my dad. He took some photos of me while I took my own photos of foliage and swans. The swans were not into my plot to chase them, and retaliated with an attack of their own.

Tomorrow I get to "inherit" dad's car when he goes to pick up his new car. This isn't a normal thing to be excited about, unless you know how I have been living for the last 2 months. No car means that Friday night is date night with my parents, Saturday is grocery day, and that sums up my weekly activities to get out of the house. Now that I will have my own car I can drive myself to work, travel down the road to JK's and get a chili cheese dog, visit with people on days off, make my own doctor's appointments and so on. Freedom is taken for granted.

Jen has a Single White Female-esque stalker. Be safe out there, little buddy! And don't believe her when she says the puppy fell out the window on his own,

I wrote a very heart-felt, candid and pretty much gut-wrenching email to a friend several days ago. The letter has been read and not replied to. It makes you wonder how much people are invested in friendships when you aren't going to be offering unlimited access to your finances, property and residence. Not just with this one person, but with a lot of people who have dropped off the radar over the last few months. I am actually happy that now I am at a point where I can pick and choose who my friends are and who I will spend time with. My current camaraderie leaves me with good feelings. I openly tell them where I stand on things and don't need to fear the reaction.

Lemuria - "Pants" is the best song to explain my mood lately.

And I want a turkey club.

Floof likes to steal seats. Her new trick is snoring or moaning while sleeping in hidden spots and then scaring me with her creepy sounds. I love my little beastie.

After I found out I got my job, we went to dinner at Kabuki to celebrate. I don't know those people, I just wanted a photo of the onion volcano.

I've been baking a lot. It fills the boredom of my days. These were maple-flavoured.

Yum yum beef stew! I wish it wasn't 4am and I would go get some now.

And finally - the swan and views from the lake.

Monday, October 13

Here's to good times.

I am lost and broken hearted
It's been weeks since I been home
I'm gonna finish what I started
Clench my fists and stand alone

There ain't no time like the present
And there ain't secrets there
And if drinkin' was my livin'
Well then I'd be a millionaire

Here's to good times
Here's to good times
May our roads one day cross again

I am pretty
I'm pretty vacant
And I ain't afraid to die
I ain't weak or complacent
Can't you see that in my eye?

And to hell with all the others
That don't feel the same as me
And to the devil with what they're thinkin'
Because I know who I must be

Here's to good times
Here's to good times
May our roads one day cross again

Sunday, October 12

Dirty fingernails.

Last night I blew a ton of money on beer. Go me. I am going to start being on an allowance soon. Catching up with old friends is actually more fun than I imagined, and not a bit uncomfortable. Go figure.

Today I slept until 6pm. Slept through my entire day and disappointed the house. But I did wake up in time to eat dinner and have our family meeting, where my parents told me they are taking over my student loans and giving me A CAR! Now don't get excited kiddies, this just means I can drive myself to work now. I will still need to take the bus to go to Boston or anywhere fun. I am slowly getting closer to freedom and enjoying life!

Oh, and I definitely enjoyed life last night. I think I even have some scars to prove it.

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

Tuesday, October 7

smash. smash. smash.

I drown in fear
North winds I hear
Grey dawn greets me
Sorrow I see

The sand of time
Slow burn my mind
One life, one man
To touch the hand
Of God

The end I feel
These things aren't real
Too weak to stand
I touch the hand
Of God

Thursday, October 2

I got a job!

Ok, ok...not a cleaning lady. I will be your friendly customer service lady at Kohl's starting Monday. They are starting me higher than the starting rate because I am so stellar. Hopefully I will make enough money in the next few months to buy myself a little crap-mobile to get me to and from work, and then eventually get a new job making crazy amounts of loot.

Or I will marry a tycoon. Then I will be a professional vacuumer.

Also, I have lost nearly 10 lb since moving down here. Go me!