Oh baby, Lilly Munster ain't got nothing on you.

Today I realized that I don't know what happened to the liner of my favorite jacket. After a lot of internet-digging, I found a suitable replacement. Hopefully Santa Claus will be able to supply me with this much-needed fleecy warmth. I also need to find out how to get some Tocco Magico in my hair soon. I don't know if i can wait until Christmas. Meh.

I love when I re-discover my Halloween mixes and can nap while listening to Dokken and Nick Cave. 67 songs of spooky goodness. I sort of should be knitting today (I gave myself a deadline on 2 projects), but I love being in bed while the pets are sleeping and snoring with me. I also need to move stuff so that the treadmill can be set up for use, now that it's way too cold to walk for more than a mile at a time. Again, that will involve getting up and out of bed.

I suppose I will be a little productive today, I have to re-do my dad's resume.

Joy Division. Ice Age.

I've seen the real atrocities,
Buried in the sand,
Stockpiled safety for a few,
While we stand holding hands.

I'm living in the Ice age,
I'm living in the Ice age,
Nothing will hold,
Nothing will fit,
Into the cold,
a smile on your lips.
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.

Searching for another way,
Hide behind the door,
We'll live in holes and disused shafts,
Hopes for little more.

I'm living in the Ice age,
I'm living in the Ice age,
Nothing will hold,
Nothing will fit,
Into the cold,
No smile on your lips,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age,
Living in the Ice age.
Living in the Ice age.

I'm in the ground for good...simply because you've killed me.

I really should have read the ingredients on the Midol I took tonight and noticed that there is a substantial amount of caffeine added.

Random anxious mood. I don't think I like my job anymore, it gets WAY too boring and after crunching some numbers I realized I won't be making a fraction of what I need to deal with my debt situation.

I sort of feel like going outside and yelling "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?" right now. But then I realize that I'm not too interested in where many people are anymore. Mainly because they seem just as uninterested in where I am, and it suits me just fine. I could pack up my things and move to a new state and escape under people's radar. Not to say that will be happening any time soon - I will be staying here and (hopefully) collecting my unemployment at least until April or May 2009. CRUD. That is why I need to stay at Kohl's - if I only work part time, I can keep earning unemployment from MA.

Bleh.

How do you explain to someone that you're sorry for things you've done when they hold onto negative details that you can't remember? I have this problem with every relationship - the bad times and fuck ups are always blocked out. If anyone asked me now, I couldn't name 5 fights with Chris no matter how hard I tried. But he managed to remember them for years afterward. At the same time, it reminds me of a line I read that said "When you can only talk about the past and not build new memories, it's time to move on." It's a sad reality that I have with a LOT of people still lurking around in my life. I don't want to talk about the past, I want to look towards the amazing times that have yet to come and all the adventures waiting for me out there.

Also, I am still infatuated. After a soft nudge from Aubri, I am accepting the thought of letting it happen as it will and not pushing or reading into things. also, a bit of funny back & forth today:

aubri: he does good things to you.
me: he does! wait...he does?
aubri: he makes you less...sad? no. ....mad? I dunno. You seem like you're on a more even keel.

An even keel seems to be just the right place for me - a comfortable little nook to relax in.

Chapter 28 was such a bust.

Lots of good busy times lately. Working somewhat - barely making enough to call it "work" but I can pay some credit cards off.

I almost went bowling the other night, but the power was out and it was not meant to be. Instead, we rented Mad Max, ate pizza and pondered the meaning of life and speech impediments.

For the first time in two months I think I am actually glad that I left Boston. Things somehow managed to work themselves into a nice little package. I've been losing weight, feeling positive about conquering all my bills, remembering what it's like to actually be comfortable with my situation and not being dragged into it kicking and screaming.

And I am suffering from a bout of infatuation. Ooh la la.

I want my hands in your hair pulling your face closer.

I put too much fabric softener in a load yesterday, now everything smells really strong but nice and comforting at the same time. I can't decide if I am pleased with this happy accident.

Today I went for a canoe ride with my dad. He took some photos of me while I took my own photos of foliage and swans. The swans were not into my plot to chase them, and retaliated with an attack of their own.

Tomorrow I get to "inherit" dad's car when he goes to pick up his new car. This isn't a normal thing to be excited about, unless you know how I have been living for the last 2 months. No car means that Friday night is date night with my parents, Saturday is grocery day, and that sums up my weekly activities to get out of the house. Now that I will have my own car I can drive myself to work, travel down the road to JK's and get a chili cheese dog, visit with people on days off, make my own doctor's appointments and so on. Freedom is taken for granted.

Jen has a Single White Female-esque stalker. Be safe out there, little buddy! And don't believe her when she says the puppy fell out the window on his own,

I wrote a very heart-felt, candid and pretty much gut-wrenching email to a friend several days ago. The letter has been read and not replied to. It makes you wonder how much people are invested in friendships when you aren't going to be offering unlimited access to your finances, property and residence. Not just with this one person, but with a lot of people who have dropped off the radar over the last few months. I am actually happy that now I am at a point where I can pick and choose who my friends are and who I will spend time with. My current camaraderie leaves me with good feelings. I openly tell them where I stand on things and don't need to fear the reaction.

Lemuria - "Pants" is the best song to explain my mood lately.

And I want a turkey club.



Floof likes to steal seats. Her new trick is snoring or moaning while sleeping in hidden spots and then scaring me with her creepy sounds. I love my little beastie.



After I found out I got my job, we went to dinner at Kabuki to celebrate. I don't know those people, I just wanted a photo of the onion volcano.



I've been baking a lot. It fills the boredom of my days. These were maple-flavoured.


Yum yum beef stew! I wish it wasn't 4am and I would go get some now.


And finally - the swan and views from the lake.

Here's to good times.

I am lost and broken hearted
It's been weeks since I been home
I'm gonna finish what I started
Clench my fists and stand alone

There ain't no time like the present
And there ain't secrets there
And if drinkin' was my livin'
Well then I'd be a millionaire

Here's to good times
Here's to good times
May our roads one day cross again

I am pretty
I'm pretty vacant
And I ain't afraid to die
I ain't weak or complacent
Can't you see that in my eye?

And to hell with all the others
That don't feel the same as me
And to the devil with what they're thinkin'
Because I know who I must be

Here's to good times
Here's to good times
May our roads one day cross again

Dirty fingernails.

Last night I blew a ton of money on beer. Go me. I am going to start being on an allowance soon. Catching up with old friends is actually more fun than I imagined, and not a bit uncomfortable. Go figure.

Today I slept until 6pm. Slept through my entire day and disappointed the house. But I did wake up in time to eat dinner and have our family meeting, where my parents told me they are taking over my student loans and giving me A CAR! Now don't get excited kiddies, this just means I can drive myself to work now. I will still need to take the bus to go to Boston or anywhere fun. I am slowly getting closer to freedom and enjoying life!

Oh, and I definitely enjoyed life last night. I think I even have some scars to prove it.

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

smash. smash. smash.

I drown in fear
North winds I hear
Grey dawn greets me
Sorrow I see
Everywhere

The sand of time
Slow burn my mind
One life, one man
To touch the hand
Of God

The end I feel
These things aren't real
Too weak to stand
I touch the hand
Of God

I got a job!

Ok, ok...not a cleaning lady. I will be your friendly customer service lady at Kohl's starting Monday. They are starting me higher than the starting rate because I am so stellar. Hopefully I will make enough money in the next few months to buy myself a little crap-mobile to get me to and from work, and then eventually get a new job making crazy amounts of loot.

Or I will marry a tycoon. Then I will be a professional vacuumer.

Also, I have lost nearly 10 lb since moving down here. Go me!

I finally made something of myself.

Not only has my legacy been created through songs by Flogging Molly, Billy Joel and Christopher Cross - I am now a subtropical storm.

MIAMI (AP) -- The National Hurricane Center says Subtropical Storm Laura is keeping its strength as it churns through the north central Atlantic, far from land.

The 11th named storm of the season was centered about 585 miles south of Cape Race, Newfoundland, at 11 p.m. EDT Monday. It's moving north at about 9 mph.

Don't go back to him, he's a wife beater.

Lots of random things I have been thinking about writing in here.

-Which is worse, a stepmom or a mother-in-law?

-Why is my cat obsessed with dental floss? She hears me pull a piece out, wakes up and runs into the bathroom.

-Why is paypal holding my dumb money? I am SOOOO not pleased about this.

We used to...

This morning while looking for old friends to re-connect with, I found out one of them died in March. It is totally selfish, shallow and petty, but I feel like a horrible person for letting myself drop out of his life in recent years. This guy was one of the best human beings to walk this earth. He would open his door to anyone at any time, regardless of their reason. I know I can't blame anyone else for it...Fuck. I'm sad and angry and all sorts of things I am trying to push away. I really hope that I can meet up with one of our mutual friends in the next week and try to get some clarity.

Too many feelings, not enough words.

what is closer to the truth...

It is always depressing to find out that my 60 year old aunts are dating more than me.

That's it today. I'm a little mopey.

A few quickies.

I am in CT for good now. I am starting to unpack and realizing that I don't need half of the things I own, so I will be most likely selling them on craigslist to strangers. I also hope to go through all my clothes and get rids of things I don't wear via Good Will donations. The jury is still out on what to do with my books, CDs, etc. We shall see.

Floof is happy that I'm back.



Jammy has a new home, 20 minutes away from where I am now. Hopefully he will love his new home.

How do I live without you?

Leann Rimes must have been thinking of me when she wrote that song.

Today I took (probably) my last stroll down the block to the bodegas. I will miss them more than anything else in my life and neighborhood. I'm not including people in this equation, this is purely materialistic.

If you don't know what a bodega is, you are sorely missing out on life. At my favorite one I can buy loose popsicles or freeze pops, cigarettes, random food items (fresh produce, boxes of rice, cooking oil, eggs, etc.), drinks, scratch offs, and -as I learned just now- packing tape. I don't know why I even doubted that the bodega would have anything I ever need or want, that is just blasphemous. I walked in, asked for tape, and was greeted with 3 different options. The cashiers always wish me good luck when I buy lotto tickets, don't whistle at me or say obnoxious man-comments to me, and almost always make me laugh.

The suburbs do not have bodegas. Such a thing would be frowned upon and most likely run out of town in a matter of weeks. I will have to find the closest one to my house and walk there every day. Not even joking. I need this bit of friendliness, humor and soothing of my addictions to get me through the days.

Adios, amigos.

The final countdown.

Long time, no blog. Let's see what I've been up to...

Saturday at 2am, Jess and Jake flew into Manchester. I stayed up to make sure they didn't crash, completely disregarding the fact that I needed to be on a bus at 9am to meet mama. So sure enough at 8am I was struggling to wake up, but I managed to get dressed, threw my make up into my purse and took a bus to catch a train to catch a shuttle to meet my mom at a hotel. Whew.

Mom and I hopped in the car, drove up to Manchester to meet J+J and go to lunch. Bad idea. Why do I ever eat before I travel? Of course, the minute we walked out, I felt like I was going to die. Mom pointed out that she was surprised that I ordered what I did (a grilled chix sammich with bacon, cheese and bbq sauce) - mom, if you read this, next time SPEAK UP. Tell me to get a salad! So luckily Jess and Jacob lightened my mood and got me past my nausea and we were off to my uncle Iggy's wedding in CT, 130 miles from Manchester.

The wedding was...interesting. The ceremony itself was really touching, and the food was yummo, but I feel like I didn't talk to my relatives as much as I could have. I did get remarkably drunk and babbled to a few random people. I wonder who they were?

We eventually made our way out of the wedding (I know I promised people I would visit for holidays and was a drunky mess and played with poison ivy before I was escorted to the car. Jess took photos, I will post when she uploads them.) We drove to Boston and went to the hotel bar and eventually I found my way home. side note: while at the hotel, my dad was walking me out to a cab. The hotel has glass elevators that give a view to the lobby...and a group of girls decided that would be a perfect time to flash us. I looked away and hope to never find out if my dad noticed. Eep.

The next morning I woke up and made my way back to the hotel to have brunch with the fam. Hangovers of course lead to me feeling sick and not wanting to eat, but I gave it a go since it was big and expensive. I think I got my moneys worth at that buffet. We watched dad open his gifts and went to my storage unit to size up the amount of things we need to bring back to CT. Amazingly my stepmom said "let's bring Floof too", so off my little tiny went to her new home in CT!
I've included some photos of my new "room" - some of the stuff will be removed, some will be moved around, and eventually I will have my own bed and dresser in there.

After a few days of getting Floof settled and hanging out, I took the MEGABUS back to Boston. $17 and 4.5 hours later, here I am back in the big city, trying to pack and get ready for the last hoorah in Boston. Trying to sell all of my stuff and get ready to leave and moving Jammy to his new home all at once is a bit overwhelming. I think I will nap.




A very weird stone we saw at my uncle's house during the wedding. Had to take a photo.





Floof enjoying her car ride. She actually wasn't that bad. She got out and climbed onto my dad for a bit. They are in love. He won't admit it, but they are.




My new room. The sofabed and TV will stay. Possibly the artwork too?





Look at me, such a good little do-be, folding all the laundry. The chair, lamp, and bookshelf will most likely go.



My very own bathroom! I think everything there will stay, except those green towels. Laura only allows white towels in her life.


The bus ride. I don't think you can see it, but there is bulletproof glass behind the driver's seat. Much more reassuring than stupid GayHound.

Ringing true...

Leavin home, out on the road
I've been down before
Ridin along in this big ol jet plane
I've been thinkin about my home
But my love light seems so far away
And I feel like it's all been done
Somebody's tryin to make me stay
You know I've got to be movin on

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that I've got to stay

Goodbye to all my friends at home
Goodbye to people I've trusted
I've got to go out and make my way
I might get rich you know I might get busted
But my heart keeps calling me backwards
As I get on the 707
Ridin high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven

Big ol jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that I've got to stay

Touchin down in New England town
Feel the heat comin down
I've got to keep on keepin on
You know the big wheel keeps on spinnin around
And I'm goin with some hesitation
You know that I can surely see
That I don't want to get caught up in any of that
Funky shit goin down in the city

Big ol jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that I've got to stay

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Carry me to my home
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause it's there that I belong

My life really has become a sitcom.

When you're moving your whole world becomes boxes.

That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about.

You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking for boxes.

Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them.

I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning.

You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the casket. That's a nice box. Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it do you think I could get that? It's got some nice handles on it.

And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pallbearers are your close friends - the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life.

The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.

(Seinfeld, duh. I'm funny, but not THIS funny.)

raindrops keel fallin' on my head...

This rain is out of hand. It seems whenever an adventure is to be had, the weather wants to piss all over these plans. Literally. Today jen and I ventured out to sell DVDs and eat at IHOP. After a lovely meal of biscuits and gravy on my side and Jen receiving the biggest omelette either of us had ever seen (think The Old '96er from "The Great Outdoors), we had to face the painfully strong rain to catch the bus back home. A few stops later, this character got on:


Please note, there is NO air hole. This reminds me of my cruel and unusual past. As a child (mainly from 3-6 years old), I found unmeasurable joy in putting plastic bags and running around. This served no purpose but to scare my mom - every time she would scream and snatch the bag off my head and tell me that they will kill me. How? How could this fun balloon-like magical toy ever harm me? I fell down the stairs at least once while running with a bag on my head.

the moral of this story: I love bags.

Knock 'Em Out...

Stolen from Jen.

Rules/Instructions/How Tos....
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.



got it? ok, let's go:


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Is There A Way Out? The Get Up Kids

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Three Year Bitch - Sheer Terror

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Over You - Token Entry

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Running Up That Hill - Kate Bush

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
What Have You Done For Me Lately? - Janet Jackson

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Less Teeth More Tits - Lunachicks

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Devil's Whorehouse - Misfits

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
When We Escape - Minus The Bear

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I'm In Love With My Car - Queen

WHATS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Look Good In Leather - Cody ChesnuTT

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hardship Belongs To Me - Terror

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Drug Buddy - Evan Dando & Juliana Hatfield

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Paradise - The Shangri-La's

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Way You Make Me Feel - Paul Anka

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
The Burden - Dropkick Murphys

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
One Of Us Cannot Be Wrong - Harvey Milk

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Spun - Babes In Toyland

WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS?
Knock 'Em Out - Lily Allen