I really should have read the ingredients on the Midol I took tonight and noticed that there is a substantial amount of caffeine added.
Random anxious mood. I don't think I like my job anymore, it gets WAY too boring and after crunching some numbers I realized I won't be making a fraction of what I need to deal with my debt situation.
I sort of feel like going outside and yelling "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?" right now. But then I realize that I'm not too interested in where many people are anymore. Mainly because they seem just as uninterested in where I am, and it suits me just fine. I could pack up my things and move to a new state and escape under people's radar. Not to say that will be happening any time soon - I will be staying here and (hopefully) collecting my unemployment at least until April or May 2009. CRUD. That is why I need to stay at Kohl's - if I only work part time, I can keep earning unemployment from MA.
Bleh.
How do you explain to someone that you're sorry for things you've done when they hold onto negative details that you can't remember? I have this problem with every relationship - the bad times and fuck ups are always blocked out. If anyone asked me now, I couldn't name 5 fights with Chris no matter how hard I tried. But he managed to remember them for years afterward. At the same time, it reminds me of a line I read that said "When you can only talk about the past and not build new memories, it's time to move on." It's a sad reality that I have with a LOT of people still lurking around in my life. I don't want to talk about the past, I want to look towards the amazing times that have yet to come and all the adventures waiting for me out there.
Also, I am still infatuated. After a soft nudge from Aubri, I am accepting the thought of letting it happen as it will and not pushing or reading into things. also, a bit of funny back & forth today:
aubri: he does good things to you.
me: he does! wait...he does?
aubri: he makes you less...sad? no. ....mad? I dunno. You seem like you're on a more even keel.
An even keel seems to be just the right place for me - a comfortable little nook to relax in.
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1 comment:
it's not often i feel like i can relate so thoroughly so someone else's words...but you seem to do it more often than not. YES, YES and YES - i am in a nice little even-keel nook myself. it's good.
xo
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