Does that make me a bad breaker-upper?

I sometimes feel like I am slowly evolving into Elaine Benes. Not so much in the casual sex unable to keep a commitment with a boyfriend way, but more in the irritation with the workplace. How often do people need to celebrate life activities? We have get-togethers for the following:
-first day
-last day
-birthday
-anniversary at the office
-going on maternity leave
-engagement
-visitors in the office
-launching a new product

I am waiting for someone to walk in and start singing "get well, get well soon, we wish you to get well." Honestly, I could care less if it's your first day, or your last day, or if you are about to go squeeze a child out of your loins. None of this has anything to do with me, or the large can that you received from the Popcorn Factory. I get genuinely angry and annoyed that these people, all salaried and not hourly, are wasting 2-3 hours of their day to reminisce about the tight bond that was formed over their 8 months of employment here. If you don't know where I live or what kind of beer I drink, then you were never my friend.

Also: this coming weekend will be composed of a beach, a puppy, salt water taffy, an AK 47, and lots of smiles.